Today, I struggled with a feeling I couldn’t immediately identify. It remained in the background while I worked but hit me like a sledgehammer after the day was done. I felt dazed, disoriented, and unsettled. I felt like a rug of plans discussed, expectations raised, and hope was pulled out from under me.
Maybe it is because decisions were made about what was best for me without consultation. Maybe it is because assumptions were made about expectations, obligations, and what was perceived to be inevitable outcomes. Maybe it is because the decision seemed to be based more on fears than anything real. Or maybe it was because its technological delivery was a painful reminder of a not so distant past when my ex-husband told me of his decision to divorce by text message.
I know this decision was made from a place of caring. I recognize that these conversations are difficult. But I can’t help but feel that it was a conversation worth being had. We have a history. Our feelings and connections to each other remain despite the passage of time. We owed it to each other but also to ourselves. We still do.
I don’t know what the outcome would be. But I do know that at least the decision would be based on something real – an actual discussion of our fears, needs, options, and mutual expectations. At least it would be an honest human interaction instead of a technological one.