Introverted Heart

It is a human condition.. we want things to be “perfect.”  The “perfect” job… the “perfect” relationship. However, this pursuit of an ideal is often times thinly disguised as an excuse to avoid opportunities placed in front of us.  It isn’t a “good time” or we are feeling so “overburdened” by our circumstances and personal faults that we avoid emotional entanglements, jobs, or simple gestures of friendship.  When we avoid opportunities because we feel our circumstances are less than perfect, what we are really saying is that others will not want our less than perfect selves – that somehow, we are not worthy.  We build walls of excuses to keep people away and then wonder why life lost its enjoyment.  But life is not meant to be a solitary affair.  It is a roller coaster of emotions and experiences.  It is messy, complicated, uplifting,  and even joyous. In that joy, maybe it is as Mark Twain said…  we “must have someone to divide it with” to get the full value.

We need to stop with the excuses because, when it comes right down to it, there is no “perfect” moment… there is only THIS moment.  In THIS moment, let there be no lost opportunities… no excuses.. no rationalizations.. no destructive voices luring us behind our walls. .. no regrets.  In THIS moment, we choose life and, in so doing, life no longer becomes a casualty of the pursuit of an impossible ideal.

I have never been one of those high maintenance women.  I  never demanded jewelry, expensive restaurants or vacations.  While I always appreciated the time spent in picking out a gift for me, the actual items never had much value to me.  I never needed  constant attention or continual reassurance.

But there are some things I do yearn for… the little things that money could never buy.  Time spent with my beloved, undivided attention, a genuine smile, a warm hug, a love note left behind to brighten my day, a text or email letting me know I was thought of, a poem written for me as a fifteen year old girl by a lovestruck young man in my creative writing class.   That’s probably why I still have the poem while other material things have been lost or forgotten long ago.    These are the things that warm my heart and speak to my soul.  These are the things I miss.

I find myself listening in those quiet moments after prayer when the voices inside my head have been silenced.  It is in those moments that small prayers are answered.

That’s what happened to me last night.  I was struggling with what I wanted to write.  I knew essentially what I wanted to convey but the flow and the tone just did not feel right.  So I prayed on it.  I asked God to soften my tone.  I asked God to give me the words to convey my feelings without being harsh to others or dishonest to myself.  I wanted the words to be honest and kind.

Then, in that quiet moment … I heard   “cut the cantaloupe.”  Not exactly the words I was looking for.  I was looking for something more poetic, more profound.  But I did it anyways trusting that somehow there was a reason.  So, I began to cut the cantaloupe and, in that moment, my small prayer was answered.  The words which evaded me came tumbling down.  The flow was effortless.  It was honest without being unkind.  A small prayer was answered.

It may not seem like a lot but to me it is.  You see,  those small moments give me hope that my larger prayers will not be left unanswered.  It may take longer than I’d like.  It may require more patience than I am used to.  I may need to continually and consistently ask God for help in matters which appear at times to be unanswerable.  But I know He hears them.  I know they will not go unanswered forever.  I  sense that  He just wants to know how much this means to me. Or maybe, just maybe, it is His way of reminding me that the most precious gifts never come easy.

Today, I struggled with a feeling I couldn’t immediately identify.  It remained in the background while I worked but hit me like a sledgehammer after the day was done.  I felt dazed, disoriented, and unsettled.  I felt like a rug of plans discussed, expectations raised, and hope was pulled out from under me.

Maybe it is because decisions were made about what was best for me without consultation.  Maybe it is because assumptions were made about expectations, obligations, and what was perceived to be inevitable outcomes.  Maybe it is because the decision seemed to be based more on fears than anything real.  Or maybe it was because its technological delivery was a painful reminder of a not so distant past when my ex-husband told me of his decision to divorce by text message.

I know this decision was made from a place of caring. I recognize that these conversations are difficult.  But I can’t help but feel that it was a conversation worth being had.  We have a history.  Our feelings and connections to each other remain despite the passage of time. We owed it to each other but also to ourselves.  We still do.

I don’t know what the outcome would be.   But I do know that at least the decision would be based on something real – an actual discussion of our fears, needs, options, and mutual expectations.  At least it would be an honest human interaction instead of a technological one.

Lately, I have been reflecting a lot on opening the heart to love .  The kind of love where our beloved knows everything about us .. where there are no secrets.. and yet we are cherished right down to the very last wart.   We all want crave it, hope for it, and pray for it.  Yet, we secretly fear it. Why?

Simply put, it requires us to be vulnerable.  It demands that we show who we are to our beloved.  It insists that we expose our soul trusting that it will be treated with kindness, thoughtfulness, and love.  It requires nothing less than an act of bravery.  But, for most of us, bravery dissipates when we are in love. We  don’t reveal how we truly feel because we fear being hurt and being unable to recover.  For those of us who have loved and lost before, these fears are multiplied a thousandfold – like me.

I’ve had my share of failed relationships – each one creating a bigger wall than the next.  I forgot that they were only meant to be temporary walls while I heal instead of permanent architecture.  Instead, I buttressed them with negative thoughts, feelings of unworthiness, tales of past failing, and self doubt.  I listened to these voices but they were never my friends.

Then, something happened which changed all that.  In one encounter, I realized what  I lost and what I wanted.  I reminded myself that if I built the wall, I can take it down – by being BRAVE.

Now that it hasn’t turned out as I hoped, it would be easy for me to build  up those walls.  But I can’t.  I can’t because I know now that fear never served me.   It only kept me alone – behind the walls I imprisoned myself in.  I can’t because my heart feels happy to love someone so unconditionally regardless of reciprocity.  I can’t because in opening my heart, I feel truly ALIVE. Fear built those walls.  My unconditional love and bravery knocked them down.  I pray that others find the courage to be BRAVE.

Awhile ago, I noticed that one of my hanging plants appeared to have died. I moved it to a place where it could receive rain. However, I never expected it to come back. I hoped for it even though it appeared futile. Then, I forgot about it until today.

Today, I observed something magical … a singular bloom reminding me that even when all seems futile, even in the depths of our despair, something beautiful can blossom.

It is amazing how the weather matched my mood today… like the day, I was overcast with rain threatening.  The kind of day where you don’t know if you should stay in or go.  Nevertheless, I went… I went because I knew that signs were waiting for me and I needed to find them.  I needed to feel supported.  So  – off i went – to my favorite funky little town – Northampton.

God did not disappoint.  I needed to hear this to silence the chatter in my head.

That’s right.. I am!  It put a little sass in my step and a smile on my face.

But I also needed to hear something to stop me from pulling back after baring my soul.  To keep me with an open heart.

I smiled and thought “I am so at the end of my comfort zone!”

I also needed a reminder to banish the negative thoughts of self-doubt, prior mistakes, and shame for my failings.  God was busy today.

I was reminded of what I offer to my twin soul:

But ever mindful of the moment I am in now…

But knowing that I should not just wait for this to pass…

Cautioning that this experience is new for me…a word of advice

For my twin soul.. an invitation extended

Something happened yesterday which reminded me that I needed to allow myself the opportunity to grieve.  For me, I am grieving a lost opportunity.

Recently, I had the opportunity to reconnect with someone I consider my soulmate.  Even though it had been many years since we saw each other, the conversation was easy.  The connections were instantaneous.  The chemistry was powerful and intense. Both of us instinctively felt connected at every level.  I saw the possibilities before us and did the one thing that scares me the most.  I told him exactly how I felt.  I wanted there to be no doubt or no regrets.  I leapt.

Even though it felt right (and still does), my heart is heavy.  He is so burdened down by life and responsibilities imposed on him, that my love is just too much for him.  It is as if he has been in the darkness so long that any exposure to light blinds him.  And so he willingly goes back into his darkness, wanting more, hoping for more, silently praying for me, but holding firmly to the thing he hates like a long lost love.

I know he went back into his cave because he never wanted to be the man to disappoint me or impose his burdens on me.  But, what he doesn’t realize is that I feel the weight of his burdens regardless because are souls are connected.  They are heaviest in those moments of solitude.. when the business of the day has subsided and we are alone with ourselves… separate and alone.

I am at a difficult place… wanting to help but not being able to.  I want him to see that he is worthy of God’s kindness, generosity and love.  Like a lawyer, I tried to convince him but the light from those words blind him.  I see the beautiful soul  he is.  He is enough.  But he cannot see.

So, I am grieving this lost opportunity.  But I know deep in my soul that it is not the last.  God will bring us together again.  Until then, I will save a place for him because the heart wants what it wants.  But, I will also pray for him.  I will pray that God protects him.  I will pray that God sends him the sign that he so desperately needs.  I will pray that God heals him.  Most importantly, I will pray that God gives him the strength to come out of his cave.