Introverted Heart

It is amazing how the weather matched my mood today… like the day, I was overcast with rain threatening.  The kind of day where you don’t know if you should stay in or go.  Nevertheless, I went… I went because I knew that signs were waiting for me and I needed to find them.  I needed to feel supported.  So  – off i went – to my favorite funky little town – Northampton.

God did not disappoint.  I needed to hear this to silence the chatter in my head.

That’s right.. I am!  It put a little sass in my step and a smile on my face.

But I also needed to hear something to stop me from pulling back after baring my soul.  To keep me with an open heart.

I smiled and thought “I am so at the end of my comfort zone!”

I also needed a reminder to banish the negative thoughts of self-doubt, prior mistakes, and shame for my failings.  God was busy today.

I was reminded of what I offer to my twin soul:

But ever mindful of the moment I am in now…

But knowing that I should not just wait for this to pass…

Cautioning that this experience is new for me…a word of advice

For my twin soul.. an invitation extended

Something happened yesterday which reminded me that I needed to allow myself the opportunity to grieve.  For me, I am grieving a lost opportunity.

Recently, I had the opportunity to reconnect with someone I consider my soulmate.  Even though it had been many years since we saw each other, the conversation was easy.  The connections were instantaneous.  The chemistry was powerful and intense. Both of us instinctively felt connected at every level.  I saw the possibilities before us and did the one thing that scares me the most.  I told him exactly how I felt.  I wanted there to be no doubt or no regrets.  I leapt.

Even though it felt right (and still does), my heart is heavy.  He is so burdened down by life and responsibilities imposed on him, that my love is just too much for him.  It is as if he has been in the darkness so long that any exposure to light blinds him.  And so he willingly goes back into his darkness, wanting more, hoping for more, silently praying for me, but holding firmly to the thing he hates like a long lost love.

I know he went back into his cave because he never wanted to be the man to disappoint me or impose his burdens on me.  But, what he doesn’t realize is that I feel the weight of his burdens regardless because are souls are connected.  They are heaviest in those moments of solitude.. when the business of the day has subsided and we are alone with ourselves… separate and alone.

I am at a difficult place… wanting to help but not being able to.  I want him to see that he is worthy of God’s kindness, generosity and love.  Like a lawyer, I tried to convince him but the light from those words blind him.  I see the beautiful soul  he is.  He is enough.  But he cannot see.

So, I am grieving this lost opportunity.  But I know deep in my soul that it is not the last.  God will bring us together again.  Until then, I will save a place for him because the heart wants what it wants.  But, I will also pray for him.  I will pray that God protects him.  I will pray that God sends him the sign that he so desperately needs.  I will pray that God heals him.  Most importantly, I will pray that God gives him the strength to come out of his cave.